Hector, Don’t Go Fight Achilles

Dude, what the hell are you doing? Achilles is a demi-god. As in: half man, half god, or actually ninety five percent god and five percent  man (ankles). And you? You are just a man. First of all, there’s a gigantic disparity here between the actual plane of being each of you inhabits. He is almost immortal and you are most certainly mortal, despite your fairly impressive war-fighting record thus far. Secondly, why are you fighting Achilles? Because he called you out in front of the city? Seriously man, apply some economic principles here before you rush out to do spear battle. What is the opportunity cost if you get killed, which, statistically, is almost certain to happen? Oh I don’t know, your entire city might get sacked, which (btw) is kind of the reason you’re putting on this ill-advised braggodocio pageant, to avoid the pillaging and subsequent burning of Troy. Quit acting so goddamn dramatic and start being more tactical, get the women and children to safety, hide the most important cultural artifacts, and don’t fight mano a mano when you clearly can’t win. It would be like me challenging a thunderstorm to a duel. “Yeah, but epic conflicts and tragic heroism drive some of the most historical, social, philosophical, and fundamentally human narratives,” you might say. Yes, yes, you are correct, however, have you ever thought that if you didn’t scamper out so eagerly to your death that Troy may have experienced centuries of uninterrupted techno-sociological advances? Where might we be right now if you didn’t act like a drunk, juiced up, v-neck and bedazzled shirt wearing moron? I mean, fuck, do some research beforehand at the very least. What are his weaknesses, what have been his most frequent finishing moves, what is his favorite weapon, likes, dislikes, favorite stories, look him up on the greek equivalent of OKcupid and LinkedIn is all I’m saying.


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