5 Rants, the Third: The General Unavailability of Nitrate and Nitrite Free Bacon in Most American Grocery Stores

What is Nitrate or Nitrite-free bacon? Do you know? Because I don’t. What I do know is: this is America. In America we don’t settle for ‘general unavailability,’ we don’t settle for ‘oh, I guess its difficult to source the item.”


In America we have 35 different flavors of Italian salad dressing, 63 different kinds of paper towels, and if someone can’t find nitrite or nitrate-free bacon, its time for an overhaul. I want maple-cured, smoked, sugared, salted, lean, lean in increments of 10%, thick cut, center cut, organic, local, organic-local, double-packs, triple-packs, and 50 pound sides – in each flavor; I want combo packs with multiple seasonings, bonus packs with recipe books, 25% less plastic packs, and packs of packs; I want enough nitrate and nitrite free bacon to survive a nuclear winter in every grocery deli section in the country, at every big box store, and at select gas stations like Sheetz and WaWa.

Our children and our children’s children shouldn’t have to go one day without fancy, arbitrary chemical-free bacon.

This is, after all, America, the land of opportunity and choice. A nation that derives its meaning of democracy from the fact that Harris Teeter will have 150,000 dollars of cheeses on display at any given time. A land with a mall in every town, a chicken in every pot you own, and the pots you are still paying for on that William’s Sonoma store card.

Give me nitrate and nitrite-free bacon or give me death.


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