5 Rants, the First: Lazy Shoppers

Dear Lazy Shopper,

Nice move there, abandoning your cart haphazardly in the parking lot, straddling two prime spots front-and-left of entrance. I realize how long and arduous that 32 feet and 5 inch journey from your vehicle to the return must seem.

It is not that bad though, believe me.

Besides, you just wandered through a twenty thousand square foot store to buy splenda, pinot grigio, and Quaker rice cakes; or whey protein, bud light lime, and Axe body wash, which really just depends on whether your identity as a bitter suburban lush or an overbearing gel-headed UFC fan led to your utter lack of decency and class.

Didn’t you just wander one aisle over from frozen food to the tabloid magazine rack anyway? That little jaunt was at least 15 yards further than it would have to taken to neatly place your cart within the easily accessible, designated corral.

But whatever! Roll that cart off into the asphalt serengenti of your local grocery store or wal-mart and jump into your mid-range SUV (I know for a fact it isn’t a Volvo, or a Volkswagen, or a Toyota Prius; those people listen to NPR and use canvas grocery bags and would spend 30 seconds to put their goddamn cart into the cart return).

So good day, lazy shopper, I am sure you are off to forever ruin your childrens’ prospects for being normal well-adjusted human beings with a sense of obligation and hard work and to lead a life of petty selfishness and corner-cutting.

I’ll return that cart for you.


Devin Howard


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