If I was John McClane

Die Hard, Die Hard with a Vengeance, Cops, Bruce Willis

If I was John McClane I’d work stoically through hangovers by smoking cigarettes the entire time just like he does. I’d have a gritty sense of humor and a modest yet clear and inviolable sense of right and wrong. I would definitely have the same ironically antagonistic relationship with superiors and figures of authority. There actually isn’t much about John McClane I would do differently.

I might not be too happy about losing all my hair, but John seems to handle its desertion well. By Live Free or Die Hard his clean pate seems part of a natural progression, lending steely eyed gravitas to his words and actions. So sure, I’ll accept the baldness.

I would fight terrorists everyday instead of John’s schedule of 1 terrorist plot foiled every 4-5 years on average. He’s clearly invincible so why not. I’d also go shark diving, free climbing, HALO jumping, stunt car driving, and maybe on some jaunts through the slums of Rio, Columbia, Mexico, Russia, Liberia, and Kenya. Again, it is physically impossible for John McClane to die an accidental death or one of violent murder. I would do lots of dangerously reckless and exhilarating things.

I would help neighborhoods kids sell lemonade. With my cold blue gaze staring down passersby, the kids would make record profits.

Explosions would precede my entrances and exits, ensuring that all are done through flaming wreckage.

I might even run for president. Hell yes I would. Is there another human being who has fought and emerged victorious against as many national enemies, foreign and domestic, as John McClane? Singlehandedly? He has confronted a variety of sinister groups, led by ruthless and highly intelligent leaders, that have sought destruction on varying scales in this country. They all struck out against McClane. You would be hardpressed to find someone as deserving of the oval office, as humble, another person who has so many times been the reluctant hero, waving off attention and fame yet putting his life on the line for the safety of others.

I’d also be a CNN anchor, and everytime I won a point during whatever mindless and meaningless debate was going on I’d jump up on the news desk and yell ‘yippie ki yay motherfuckers!!’ really loud and make gun noises and move my hands like I was banging off some rounds from a couple six shooters.


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