If I was Master Chief

John spartan, master chief, halo

I would open all my beers with a plasma rifle. I would answer “I need a weapon” to 63% of all questions. I would melee thunderstorms and hurricanes. I would drop into the atmosphere on meteorites and space junk like it was an amusement park ride. I would make public service commercials about how a bill becomes a law, and how fundamentalist alien theocracies are dangerous. When Congress is in deadlock I would show up and tower over everyone and say only, “Lets finish this fight…” ominously. I would drive a convertible Miata so that when people passed me, thinking I’d be balding and slightly overweight they would be really surprised. I would order vegan meals, and when my server asked if thats actually what I wanted I would pretend to get really mad and yell at them, “meat is murder!!!”. I would enter myself into demolition derbies. I would hide in forest fires, just to get really dramatic local news shots of me walking out of roaring flames. I would sit on guest panels at lectures to discuss the implications of post-modern deconstruction on the arts and humanities. I would ring the Salvation Army bell, I would also collect the organization record for a single location.


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