Impossibly Distant Natural Satellite Date Request: Miranda, Smallest Moon of the Uranus System

So this is the text of an email I sent to NASA, asking them to somehow communicate with Miranda, a moon that orbits Uranus, my date request. I’ve never asked out a non-human, abiotic, collection of ice, sand, and carbon before, we’ll see how it turns out. I think I’ve chosen well. Despite the unfortunate appellation of Miranda’s home planet, her name has Shakespearean roots, she is covered in ice water which would be pretty important to human survival, and she owns a lively history of active geology. Sounds interesting to me. My email to NASA is below.

Hi all, get ready for one the strangest requests you may have ever received. I was wondering if you could find a way to communicate the following note to Miranda, smallest of the 5 moons in the Uranus system. Before you trash this email let me briefly explain: I have been randomly asking out celebrities and other notable women via social media outlets. Nothing intrusive, just one time requests for dinner and such. You might predict that I’ve had no luck, and you would be correct in that prediction. So I thought, I’ve never asked out an inanimate planetary satellite, why not Miranda? She has a cool name, ice water, a once thriving geology, sounds like a pretty cool girl to me. So I’m going for it.

There you have it. If you can think of a way to maybe beam some kind of radio signal to Miranda that would be awesome, just let me know if you ever get a response. I’m conscious of the distances involved so no rush at all. Message below:

Hey Miranda, this is going to sound really strange, considering that you’re a lifeless orb of silicate compounds and water ice that is billions of years older than me, but would you want to hang out sometime? I live on Earth, which is about 1.6 billion miles away, so it might take me about 9 years to make it out to your place (more like 35 if you consider how wishy washy our socio-political systems can be), but I think it would be a lot of fun. You’re named after Miranda from William Shakespeare’s The Tempest. Well! It just so happens that I have a BA (some minor academic credentialing we do here) in English literature, and I’m a huge fan of Shakespeare. You take about a million and a half days to orbit the Sun, I could divide that number by ten if asked. We have more in common than you might think, and I’m a great listener. I’m sure the near infinite breadth of cosmic time has lent you extraordinary knowledge and more than a few gripes, being the smallest child of a five moon family is probably not the most harassment-free arrangement. What better way to spend an evening than chit chatting about our experiences, commiserating, and catching a meteor shower or two. You may act cold and indifferent, but your broken terrain bespeaks passion and once intense geologic activity, so get back to me and lets plan something. Stay awesome, enjoy the rest of your perpetual winter, and good luck.




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